Friday, December 10, 2010

How to Do Something Esoteric and Useless Too!

Today’s replacement for the news is a practical lesson in how to do something
that possibly few people on Planet Earth have undertaken.
But I have good tidings. At this blog we do not abuse readers. We're not going to ask anyone to hold his or her breath under water for 30 minutes. No one will even ask you to try to cook French soufflé that doesn’t fall. You won't be encouraged to figure out decades too late how to stop the 12:00 from flashing on a VCR.

This one is e-a-s-y!

First, Check Your Shower and Tub Area
Conduct an all-out sweep of the entire area, paying special attention to drains, ledges, and soap dish areas. Here's what you're looking for:


The expected thing, of course, would be to take your soap slivers, wet them, and mash them all together into a single frightening clump that resembles something regurgitated by one of your pets, and thus extend their life of cleansing. This is classic household advice.

We won’t do that. That wouldn’t be esoteric. It would also be very much like a certain longtime newspaper column.

Isn't That Handy (Thrifty Too!) 
Whenever I picked up the lifestyle section of the paper and happened upon Hints From Heloise  her readers were always up to the same thing--sharing wild and revolutionary innovations that not only extended the monthly budget dollars, but turned the home into a pragmatic but aesthetically pleasing sanctuary, a vertitable Americanized Louis without the 'Quatorze,' just "Louie Louie".

Not necessarily dishwasher proof.
Dear Heloise,
I receive so many of those address labels sent by charitable organizations, but I don’t write letters anymore. So I take the labels and cover a coffee mug with them and give the appliqued mugs as gifts to friends. That way every time a friend drinks from the mug she’ll think of me and remember where I live. And if we’re no longer friends, I stick outdated labels on the mug. She’ll look for me in the wrong city. Sucker!
         Peppy in Poughkeepsie

Dear Heloise,
My husband drinks a lot of wine, too much wine, but that’s another story (ask his friends in AA ha!). The problem is that we end up with a lot of wine corks which I just hate to throw away. I finally realized what they’re good for. I stick toothpicks in them and, well, that’s it. I place them by each dinner plate when I have company over for pasta and everyone just marvels at my “Tuscan toothpick holders.”
                 Tired of Tipsy in Tucumcari

At dinnertime place it in front
of the knife where it will be handy.
Okay. I made those up. But the following is actual world-real experimentation on behalf of all those seeking to do something around the home at absolutely no cost to themselves, others, or the environment.

Back to the Task At Hand
We will re-purpose the soap sliver in your bath or shower into an object with no purpose whatsoever. (So really it’s not technically “re-purposing”, is it?) This simple project allows you to take the remains of the humble household item that once served you well by lathering your skin and carrying away dead cells, dried sweat, and other signs of being a bipedal animal species prone to funk and filthiness, and in 5 minutes voila! (as Louis XIV would say) you will have turned said slivers into something even more humble.

Step 1
Get a knife. Find a solid cutting surface.

So far, so good!

Step 2
Shave the soap sliver into fine cuttings or, alternatively, chop it up like you’re shredding a parking ticket you absolutely refuse to pay.

Be careful here! See cautions below.

Step 3
Examine what you now have.

Congratulations. Looks interesting...and useless.

Step 4
Place the slivered soap slivers into a zip-loc bag because zip-loc bags are ideal for everything.

Step 5
Hide the zip-loc bag with the slivered slivers of soap beneath a random couch cushion where you’ll be sure to forget about it.

Step 6 - Enjoy!
Open a bottle of wine, pour it into an address label appliquéd coffee mug, and drink deeply while using the wrong end of a “Tuscan toothpick holder” to poke yourself so you’ll always remember that you haven’t had this much fun in a long time!

 A Very Brief History of Soap                                                                                      
 Frankly this sounds disgusting, so there’s no point in going on at length. Apparently, until a scientist had a break-through in the early 20th century, all soap was made from animal fats that were heated up and mixed with the equivalent of ash. Wow, let’s wallow in some ox and goat goo with a nice side of charcoal and get clean, people! Let’s even run our clothes through this putrid porridge! But it must be true because it’s on Wikipedia.                                                                                                                                                      

  • Do not use any implement except a Swiss Army knife which may be purchased at the following link.
  • Do not cut yourself with the Swiss Army knife because it will hurt and you will bleed profusely and have to go to the emergency room.
  • Do not taste any curlicues of soap shaved by the knife that visually remind you of caramel or chocolate because they will not taste like caramel or chocolate only bad and you will have to have your stomach pumped in the emergency room.
  • Do not handle soap slivers containing a high level of radioactivity* because you will go to the emergency room, be admitted to the hospital, die a slow cruel death, and before your final gasp your hair will fall out and you’ll look like Chris Daughtry.
  • Do not go near any electrical outlets because there is always a potential for shock which will send you to the ER with hair that looks like Troy Polamalu, although this is survivable and it’s always a good idea to insure your hair beforehand.
  • Do not go near any one who wants you to wire money to an overseas bank account saying their mother is dying of cancer and they need to purchase 10,000 Swiss Army knives to sell as a fund raiser to buy chemo treatments for Mom in Nigeria.
  • Do not try to rub your stomach, chew gum, and say, “Tommy Tuna Took a Taxi to Tijuana” five times fast while you are cutting the soap sliver with your Swiss Army knife or you will end up, well, you know.
  • Do not speak to any personal injury or product liability lawyers for the next 90 days.
*To ascertain whether you have radioactive soap, purchase a $719 Geiger counter at this link.

The author does not represent any of the foregoing to be safe to either physical or mental health and can not be held responsible for any of the content therein because he was asleep at the time - V.W.


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