Saturday, September 18, 2010

Pimp My Nostradamus

As I write this I've been without information about the larger world for just a few hours shy of a week.

I'm not doing very well.

It's not that I think something calamitous has happened. My neighbors and colleagues seem much the same old same. So there's no evidence of anything to be worried about per se. It's just that I seem to be going through some kind of withdrawal pangs. I miss those headlines, the talking heads on TV, the scroll of highs and lows of humanity on the computer screen.

Heck, it ticked me off yesterday when I couldn't look at the fall season catalogs that arrived in the mail. What's the story behind that new J. Crew look with a bearded mountain man guy in a preppy v-neck sweater?

I had to toss it aside. Honestly, I haven't really replaced this aspect of my life with anything yet.

Looking Ahead
Since I'm not able to observe the cultural, political, and weather events of the present day, I thought I'd spend today looking the other direction. Into tomorrow. But you should know.

I'm no Nostradamus, the "man who saw through time."

I don't think I've ever forecast much of anything correctly in my life to date. Therefore no one should rely upon me to pick stocks or bet on a team or a horse race although, come to think of it, I've been pretty much dead-on when I've found a new food product I like and then predicted that within a year the manufacturer would either change or discontinue it (latest example: what happened to those delicious Flat Earth veggie chips made by Frito Lay?).

So now that you've been apprised of my limitations, here are some lists and headlines I imagine might greet me when a year from now I'm getting caught up on the events of Sept. 11, 2010 to Sept. 11, 2011

Famous or Notable People Who Might Die (Already In Ill or Compromised Health, Listed in Order Least Missed to Most Missed)
  1. Osama Bin Laden
  2. Kim Jong-il
  3. Fidel Castro
  4. Dick Cheney
  5. Christopher Hitchens
  6. Steve Jobs
  7. Elizabeth Edwards
  8. Michael Douglas
  9. Billy Graham
  10. Muhammed Ali
  11. Hello Kitty
  12. The Staffs of Newsweek and the New York Times

Disasters (All Equally Likely)
  1. Monsoons Flood Southern India
  2. Volcano Obliterates Island in the Pacific
  3. Tornadoes Hit a City of 100,000 or Greater in the Midwest
  4. 6.0 or Greater Earthquake in Southern California
  5. Pandemic Disease Kills Thousands Around the World
  6. Hurricane Strikes New Orleans Again
  7. Giant Sinkhole Swallows U.S. Congress
  8. Giant Deficit Swallows United States of America

The World of Sports (All Improbable, So Why Not?)
  1. Houston Texans Play Dallas Cowboys in Super Bowl XLV
  2. George W. Bush Makes the Coin Toss at Super Bowl XLV
  3. Brett Favre on Sidelines at Super Bowl XLV Makes Coin Toss to Determine if He Will Retire
  4. Black Eye Peas Suffer Vocal Malfunction at Halftime in Super Bowl XLV
  5. Miami's Dream Team Goes Undefeated and LeBron James Changes Nickname from "The Chosen One" to "The Impeccably Perfect One"
  6. Tiger Woods Goes Back to Just Like Before His Sex Bust--Wins Everything and Gets All the Babes!
  7. The Cubs, the Series, Snowballs Don't Melt...
  8. NASCAR Season Cancelled Due to Fans' Concern Over High Carbon Emissions of Racers Contributing to Global Warming
  9. Sarah Palin (Once "Sarah Barracuda" on Her Women's College Basketball Team) Increases Her Diversity Loving Credentials by Joining Harlem Globetrotters 12-City Tour

On the Entertainment Front (So Absurd I Want Them to be True)
  1. Martin Scorcese Makes Documentary on His Mother's Italian Cooking Called Meatballs and Mean Streets
  2. Next Madonna, Lady Gaga is...the "Real Femme" Who is All Over YouTube and There Are Rumors She is a He or a She-He or is it He-She?
  3. Jonathan Franzen's Novel Freedom Revealed on Oprah to be a Work of Nonfiction, Betrayed Readers Demand Refund
  4. Apple Reasserts Reputation for Flawless, Stunning Innovation With iPhone 5 Featuring New Improved Hidden Antenna With Special "Listen In, They're Out There" Function That Connects to Radio Signals From Distant Quasars
  5. Critics Slam New Dick Cheney Reality Hunting Show on ESPN, Calling it "Scatter Shot," "Off the Mark"
  6. Critics Stop Talking About Madmen, a Show the Average American (i.e., American Idol Fan) has NEVER Watched and Focus on New Reality Series on Fox: Desperate Lives of Global Warming Truthers
  7. All TV and Film Criticism Is Outsourced to 17-Year-Olds at High School in Dalian, China
  8. Facebook releases updates allowing users to add "Enemies" and "Frenemies"
  9. Art form Emerges on Twitter Featuring Two-Syllable Poems Called "Hai-Coughs" (e.g., "Hell-Low!" and "Good-Date!") 
  10. U2's Bono Announces His Discovery of the Circular Nature of Anthemic, Socially Aware Rock 'n' Roll and Band Re-Records Note for Note its First Album Boy, Releases it Just in Time for Christmas.
  11. Bono Makes Solo Album Featuring Gospel Tunes Called What Will It Take to Convince You That Even Though I Look Like This and Use the F-Bomb From Time to Time I'm Really a Christian?

Human Malfeasance and Tragedies (Not Funny, Hoping ALL Are Improbable)
  1. [Country] Bombs [Country]
  2. Terrorists Attack [American City]
  3. Plane Goes Down With [number] Aboard
  4. [Type of Industry] Plant Explodes
  5. Disgruntled [worker, student, ex-spouse, live-in boy/girl friend] Kills [number]
  6. Structure Failure in [building, bridge, roadway] Causes Collapse Killing [number]
  7. Foggy Pile-up on [City] Freeway Kills [number], Injures [number]
  8. Priest Charged with Sexually Abusing [number] Children


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