Friday, May 13, 2011

My Official Request to be a Blog of Note











Update May 16, 2011: I'm shocked and amazed that Google/Blogger has not responded to the request below. Perhaps they are still working on their software problems. For that reason I am extending my deadiine by 24 hours...

AN OPEN LETTER TO GOOGLE

From: Van Winkle
Re:   Your Recent Outage

Dear Google:

You are one of the most successful entities in the world and the owner of Blogger. I am writing to you because even though my current project places me in a status as one who is “sleeping,” I am not in a coma. I am aware when the ground has trembled beneath me.

Tremble it did on Thursday and Friday of this week.

I am referring to the massive service outage at Blogger.

If I were reading the news (which by terms of this project I am not allowed to do) I can only imagine the headlines:

          BLOGGER BLOWS IT

          ANOTHER BOOGER FOR BLOGGER

          GOT POSTS? BLOGGER DOESN’T

          GOOGLE GLITCH BOGS BLOGGER DOWN

          CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE? YOU KIDDIN' ME?

          BACK TO NORMAL SOON…YEH, RIGHT…

As you know, a whole nation of bloggers around the world suddenly were unable to publish on their blogs. Here at The Van Winkle Project, I was one of them. Therefore, I am with this letter asking you for appropriate compensation.

It’s very simple. You owe me. And there's one way to take care of it: Let me become a Blog of Note.

Why This is a Reasonable Request
Your outage precluded my sharing with the Internet population of Planet Earth a wonderful, amusing, one-of-a-kind post that was designed to set up my weekend activity of attending a 5.5 hour performance of Wagner’s Die Wak├╝re.

You see, if I am going to subject myself to 330 minutes of operatic bombast and possible aural and visual torture, it’s only because like any blogger desperate for material I am able to tell myself, “At least I’ll get a post out of it!”

Now my plans have been hampered. I couldn't generate interest in advance of my going to the opera because I couldn't blog about it! Which means you have jeopardized my ability to generate more compelling content to keep my EIGHTEEN FOLLOWERS coming back to my blog with bated breath...

On the other hand, if you make me a Blog of Note , I will likely receive TENS OF THOUSANDS of new visitors. That’s not bad compensation.

Please Consider Also…

1 – My blog is attractively designed
2 – It is well written and carefully proofread
3 – It’s not sloppy and sentimental
4 – It’s not cranky or political or religious or
    atheistic or an axe looking for meat to cleave
4a -It's eclectic, sort of a Chex Party Mix genre of blog
    with something for everyone
5 – There are no naked cats, wild ferrets, or cute babies
6 – This request is, as the Brits say, “cheeky” and one
    can easily admire such boldness and temerity
7 – If no one else has asked, then that puts me at the
    head of the line, right?

Optimist that I am, I will expect you to respond to this request within 48 hours. Need I remind you that until this happened we had a beautiful relationship? Now that you have become “available” again, let’s move past this temporary setback and make the most of it, eh? I’ll have the champagne chilling in the fridge.

Sincerely,

Van Winkle

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2 comments:

  1. 1. Thank you for one of the best compliments I've received.

    2. I read your opera post and thought, 'I would absolutely do that if for no other reason than to write about it.' I'm glad you are. I'll be waiting for it.

    3. Every time something negative happens to me, I end up looking at someone and mentioning the balm of 'recognizing story fodder'.

    4. This letter to Google is hilarious. I am, forgive me, glad it interrupted your blog flow so that I could read it.

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  2. Hey really cool use of red text this week. That will get you noticed for sure.

    And oh yeah, it was not aliens that took down Blogger. I repeat, it was not aliens.

    Massey

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